As my life fell apart piece by piece over the last few weeks, I felt “me” slowly slipping into oblivion.  I started losing who I was and not just losing, but completely forgetting who I was altogether as if she never existed.  I found myself doing and thinking things that the real me never would have.  For the sake of me and my family, I needed to remember her.  I needed to find her…

Emotional or psychological trauma can affect our bodies and brains in different ways. Some people tap into their addictive personalities. Some people self-destruct. Some people withdraw and fall into depression. Some people are affected more physically and experience weight gain/loss, fatigue, insomnia. Some people have a mixture of any of those things. (Of course, there are other ways but I’m not a doctor nor am I done researching this subject so I’m just keeping this pretty generic). Have you ever experienced any of these after a high stress event?

Apparently, I was extra lucky and got to experience all of the things I listed (please hear all the sarcasm in the world on that statement). All of these symptoms tie into me losing and forgetting who I was. I allowed myself to grieve for a little while and cried so many tears then, what I guess to be self-preservation, I shut that emotional mess up and put her in the closet to be forgotten and then I kept walking. What I didn’t realize is that by shutting her up, I was shutting me up. I have been a deep feeler since I was born (ask my mother). Because of my deep feeling, I cry all the time (ask anyone that knows me). I thought it would go away as I got older but it actually got worse because I see, feel, and understand things on a deeper level than when I was just a kid or teenager or even young adult (no age jokes please). I chose to silence what makes me me for the sake of trying to “get it together” and all I did was sabotage myself. I abandoned myself.

This last Wednesday and Thursday, I finally felt like I was starting to feel a little peace. I truly believe that I was. Peace is familiar to me and I know it when it’s with me. Then Friday happened. To be fair, it started off well. I went to the gym for the first time since my kids started summer break. But then it happened… another hit. And instead of choosing to hold onto the peace I knew was me, I derailed. I chose to abandon myself. Again. AGAIN! Then Saturday came and I just drowned myself in my depression. What is the matter with me!? This is not me. This is not who I am. And some of my best friends all happened to reach out to me within minutes of each other to check on me and call out for the me that I stuffed in a closet the week before. Then today came…

Today I woke up determined not to abandon myself. Today I declared war on this darkness trying to hold me in. This is not me. This is not who I am. This is NOT. WHO. I. AM. I have worked too damn hard over the last few years getting to know me, learning to love me, finding my inner voice. I won’t abandon myself anymore. I took a shower, made my coffee, and went to church (even put on a little makeup for the first time in a while). As I sat there, I let God love on me and remind me of who I am. I loved myself. I chose hope. I chose to fight for me. On the way home, I thought of all the things I’ve been through the last few weeks and the things I’ve done and said and thought but this time with clarity. Without guilt or judgement. I sorted through what’s truth and what’s not. I cleaned up my home. I made myself a healthy (and tasty) dinner. I drank my usual 120oz of water by the end of the day. Then after I put the kids in bed, I had a little square of 90% dark chocolate and put on a new crime show one of my bests got me into (like I needed another show 🙄).

Things in my life are not okay. I am not okay. But I know that if I don’t fight for me and if I lose me, I may never come out of the other side of this. Maybe you know all too well what I am talking about. Maybe you’ve been there. Maybe you are there. So just in case, I’m going to fight for you. Declare war on your darkness. Get up and fight for you. Let your people fight for you too. You are made far too unique to allow darkness to try to silence your voice and snuff out your light. Trust me, it’s hard. Sometimes unbearable. But I promise it’ll be worth it. You are worth it.