I’m doing this thing where I’m going to try to write at least 500 words a day, no matter what they are or what they are about, I’m just going to write. So here I go…
Today has been a bit of a mess. Work is stressful. Life is stressful. All this corona virus nonsense doesn’t help. But today was messy because I could hear my mom being stern with the kids (probably over not picking up after themselves) and it broke my heart a little. They should be enjoying each other as grandkid/grandparent relationships are supposed to go – lots of spoiling and laughing and loving. (My kids should also pick up after themselves all the time and not just some of the time but they’re kids and I get that, but also, pick up your crap lol).
I miss being a stay at home mom. I miss being able to read and study as much as I wanted. I miss sitting at the piano and stumbling through songs be it learning a song already written or something I was attempting to write. I miss being able to just play with my kids and not have to take much time away from them other than to make food or clean up a bit. I don’t get any of that anymore. Most of the time, I’m grateful to get to make the sacrifice for the sake of my family and like I’ve said before, I had time to soak in His Presence all day and learn and study and worship and now it’s his turn and I’m willing (even some days happy) to make the sacrifice so he can do that and so he can heal. Today, I’m sad. Today, I resent it. Today, I have cried more than I care to admit (not that anyone is surprised), mourning the loss of what once was, mourning the loss of my dreams, mourning the loss of what my life was and what it was supposed to be.
I think it’s important to grieve in that way. Things don’t always go the way you plan and it’s okay to mourn that. It’s also equally as important to not stay there.
I know that there’s grace for even these moments. I know that even in the darkest of night, the light is coming. I know that sacrifice is never in vain when done unto Him. I know that He WILL restore all that the locusts have feasted on and I am walking into my Promised Land and that He IS the joy set before me. So even now, in the midst of my sadness and pain and anger, while I allow myself to feel all that is necessary to feel for the sake of my healing, and through the many tears that are blurring my vision, I still choose to remember that I get to breathe in grace and exhale all the stuff that won’t do me any good to keep in and hold onto. His grace is enough.
(This post was edited for public viewing, not that you need to know or really care. But my original writing was more than the 500 words I set out to do without this extra stuff added on at the end haha)
Jes Is A Mess 