I know it’s been a little while… okay, it’s been a long while. I let day to day life get the best of me and didn’t stay committed. I’m sorry for that. After the last couple weeks, I just can’t not say anything though. My heart is sad and grieved and it’s taken me far too long to write this because not only am I struggling to find the words but words are simply not enough. I’m going to try anyways so here it goes… Continue reading → Breaking My Silence
I’ve been a whirlwind of feelings and emotions lately. (No, I’m not pregnant). As an ennegram 4, it’s something I’m used to. It’s something I usually embrace. It’s been a process but I have actually learned to love myself and all my emotions because that they are a part of me – a part of me that I’m grateful for.
There’s been something off about this time though. I feel a lot of things. The thing I feel a lot of as of late is insecure. I don’t like it. I know that pressing into the insecurities can help me get past issues I may not have even known I had and can ultimately help me become a better version of myself. Right now, the only thing I want to do is retreat. I feel my depression trying to take over. I want to isolate from everyone and everything. I feel twinges of pain. I feel confused. I feel like I want to be left alone but I want everyone close.
I have yet to really put my finger on it but I think I’m getting close. There are triggers but there is also body chemistry, things in an unseen realm, and sometimes you’re picking up what other people are putting out. It could be a mixture of any and/or all of the above.
It’s important to pay attention – pay attention to your thoughts, your feelings, the atmosphere around you, your inner world before and after you walk into a room. When things are off, press into it. Sometimes it’s painful, sometimes it’s uncomfortable, and sometimes you’re just exhausted and don’t want to do it, but it’s always beneficial if you can be brave enough to allow yourself to try to figure it out.
Also, we recently saw Avengers Infinity War and I have a LOT of mixed emotions about that too.
Also #2, (yup, I’m making that a thing), do you know your enneagram? I want to know what you are!
“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”
Whoever knew that starting something new would be so difficult? I know, I know… everyone. Sometimes, I just like to live in denial about it and think that I will be good at something from the get go or at least it won’t take me long. I think part of my issue is consistency. I’m not very good at it. I’m not consistent with my kids’ bedtime routine, with my bedtime routine, with my writing, with filing all my important documents, with work, with connecting with people. I want consistency to be something I work on. It WILL be something I work on. I will also learn to give myself grace. I’m not great at that either. I know I need to be. I know it’s necessary. I know that if I don’t show myself grace more that I am going to crush myself under the weight of my own expectations (recovering perfectionist, guys). So in this season of learning to love myself, I’m also learning self-discipline and grace for myself. What season of life are you in? What is your season teaching you? Continue reading → This is me checking in.
In this season of questioning and rediscovering, there has been something (not completely related) that keeps coming to my mind. I’m very quickly approaching 30. It seems so funny to me. It’s always sounded like such a grown up age and I don’t feel like I’m that much of a grown up. Being married for over a decade, having two kids, and now living further than 10 minutes away from my mom hasn’t made me feel like a real grown up so I’m not really sure what will. (I also feel like at some point I should stop saying “grown up” and say “adult” and maybe that will help but who knows ha!) Continue reading → 29.
I have spent the better part of the last few months questioning everything. Life. Myself. God. I know so many people that would shudder at the thought of questioning God. I know so many people who don’t believe in God. Continue reading → Questioning God. Questioning Me.