The last couple weeks, I’ve been fighting within myself. I have been having some anxiousness, feeling some insecurities rising up, feeling sad, feeling worthless and less than. There have been some lies swirling around in my head and I have been trying to ignore them and displace them.
And I’ve been reading and staying connected to a few people to allow them to speak truth into my life but it wasn’t until I started saying the ugly things in my head out loud that they started to crumble. It wasn’t until I confronted each thought and each feeling and stared it in the face that the pain and anxiety began to subside. Don’t misunderstand, there are times that it takes seemingly endless confronting of these thoughts that takes weeks before I can think clearly again. Some days are easier than others. I am learning not to rush the healing or beat myself up when I can’t shake what’s happening right away. Some thoughts I can evict thoughts faster than I used to serve Three Day Notices. Other thoughts take a lot of processing, usually with my people or my therapist.
You can’t rush healing. Trying to rush healing can either be pointless (because it won’t work) or detrimental, though usually both. I am a person who is a big fan of process (maybe I’ve said that before, sorry). In the last almost year, I have gone through moments of trying to rush my process only to get frustrated with myself knowing that the process is always necessary. It’s an everyday choice but I am choosing to embrace it. I’m choosing to press into it. With every winter comes a spring. With every layer of pain comes a layer of healing. With each layer of pain and healing comes a better version of me. I don’t know about you but I am more than willing to do whatever it takes, to go through whatever I need to go through to become a better version of me.
I deserve to be the best version of me. I deserve to be the greatness that already lives inside of me. I don’t say that in an entitled way (I think entitlement is gross but that’s for another day) but I do know that we ALL deserve to be the best versions of ourselves. In being the best version of ourselves, we in turn benefit those around us. I want my kids to benefit from the best version of me. I can’t protect them from pain and darkness but I can show them how to walk through it. Not to ignore it. Not to stuff it down or hide it. I want to teach them to walk THROUGH it. I want them to always be the best versions of themselves. I want the beauty and Light and greatness that lives in them to always show. There is beauty, Light, and greatness that you were born with, that I was born with, that lives inside of us. Even when we don’t see it or feel it, it is there. There is so much pain and division and darkness surrounding us and if we can bring the Light that shines within us, the Light that we were born with, then we can displace the ugliness and the darkness around us. Darkness cannot exist where Light shines.