There are certain things I keep playing over and over in my head and I can’t decide whether it makes me a terrible human or a masochist.  Maybe both.  Some of it is my mess, some of it is other people’s mess… actually, the reality is that it’s just one big, giant mess.  And the more I sit here and think about it, the more I realize that I don’t actually have a problem with the mess itself.  My problem is that I can’t control it.  I can’t fix it.  

Hi, my name is Jesica and I am a fixer.

What is a fixer, you ask?  A fixer is someone who hates seeing their people hurting and will do ANYTHING to remove or alleviate that pain.  A fixer wants to fix or find a solution to whatever problem is at hand (also known as a problem solver).  A fixer is someone who will, at any cost (even their own mental, emotional, physical health), help people carry their load to help them make it on the other side.

Being a fixer can be a beautiful thing.  It’s how we show love, not just to our people, but to all humanity.  It can show willingness to put other people’s hearts above our own.  But what does a fixer do when there are things that just can’t be fixed?

Cry. #jesisamess   (I shouldn’t speak for all fixers.  That’s just what this fixer does.)

I can’t fix the mess in my life right now and I hate it.  There are people that I love SO much that are hurting (including myself) and I can’t do anything to fix it but wait for healing to happen on its own.  But when I read that, it says “I can’t do anything.”   My heart knows that healing needs to happen organically but my head cannot seem to get on the same page here.  But the more I try to fix things, the worse I make them.  That’s the last thing I want.

“Time heals all wounds” is such a load of crap.  I recently had a conversation with one of my bests about this very thing.  I think time heals some wounds.  And sometimes time just makes the sound more manageable to walk around with.  The wound never truly heals.  You just develop a tolerance to the pain.  And that’s okay.   

My inner fixer is going crazy right now but I’m choosing to let healing happen in its own time.  I hate it.  But I love my people enough to give them that gift.  M