Trains. Balls. Kicks.

I have had, hands-down, the worst two weeks of my life.  My world has been turned upside down.  Everything is happening so fast I feel like I’m on a train on a round track that I can’t get off of and I’m so dizzy and tired from being dizzy.  My eyes hurt from all the tears and I’m pretty sure I’m dehydrated from all the tears.

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball.  Then another.  Then another.  Then five at once.  You feel knocked out and dizzy.  You feel like you’ve been kicked in the stomach then again in the face.  How did this happen?  Why did this happen?  Is it ever going to end?  Am I ever going to recover?  And you have all the questions without any answers.  And if you don’t keep your mind in check you have all of the what-ifs, the 10,000 possible scenarios, and with each one that passes through your mind you lose a little bit of hope.

If I had to choose something I’m passionate about or something that I “preach” it would be community.  All of my life, I’ve thrived on having community.  And I remember what my life was like during a period when I chose to disengage from community, from my people, my family.  It made all the hurt a resounding broken record that I could never get away from.  I isolated myself and my pain to the point where my depression suffocated me and all my hope.  I wanted to end my life.  I almost did.

Here I am almost fifteen  years later feeling more pain than I have ever felt in my life and wanting to run.  I want to take my kids and go somewhere where no one can find us and we can be brand new people and live brand new lives.  But in the distance, I hear the sound of hope.  And I faintly hear her tell me not to move.  To be still.  To let my community surround me and stand in the gap for me.

I find everything I know and believe about God and who He is being challenged and tested in ways that I didn’t think were necessary.  I mean, that is the definition of faith, isn’t it?  “A complete trust or confidence in someone or something.” ( my faith hold up?  I want to say yes.  I’m certainly going to find out.  I know that in any chaos or crisis in my life, my response has always been “Where else would I go?” so why would this be any different?

For someone who preaches community, (it is, after all, a big reason why I started this blog), I’m finding myself being challenged to really live it out.  To reach for my people to hold me up when I feel like I can’t keep going.  To help pick up the pieces of my life that are falling apart.  I need my people now more than ever.  And just the same, I need this blog more than I ever expected to; not just as a place to process but as a place of safety and because there is strength in vulnerability.  It’s a strength for me and a strength for someone who may be reading this and needs to know they’re not alone.  Someone may need to read this to find their inner strength and reach out to their people.


(Sorry for any spelling or grammatical errors.  Normally, I would proofread it several times before posting but my eyes just couldn’t look at the screen anymore.  And also, I need to make more coffee.)



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