I have spent the better part of the last few months questioning everything. Life. Myself. God. I know so many people that would shudder at the thought of questioning God. I know so many people who don’t believe in God.
(Whether or not you believe in God, I’m grateful that you’re here. I believe that regardless of what we believe in spiritually, we all need each other and we can all learn something from each other.)
I grew up in church. My faith has been a foundation of my life. It has helped shape me as a person. While there have been plenty of times that I disagreed with the church, or just specific people in the church, I have always had a very strong grip on the fact that the individuals or politics of the church don’t define church itself (and that’s a whole tangent within itself that I’m not going to get into right now). I have heard/read all the bible stories. I have a little rap song I learned as a kid that helped me memorize the books of the bible. I went to private Christian school for two-thirds of grade school. My husband and I met in youth group. For a long period of time, my whole life was revolved around church. So why, one might ask, would I ever question the God that I have been following my whole life?
A little over five years ago, my husband and I hit a devastating bump in the road of our marriage. It was hard and painful. We recovered. Since them, we have lost people that we loved beyond measure. We have had to deal with normal, everyday crap that life throws at you. Fast forward to 2017 and I can’t even list all the pain it brought, especially in those last few months. I felt like God was most certainly pushing my limits. Like He was allowing for me to take blow after blow to see how long it would take for me to tap out, throw in the towel, and just be done with life. The pain that I experienced caused me to do things I wouldn’t normally do, to think things I wouldn’t normally think, to say things I wouldn’t normally say. And all of that only brought on more pain.
I am so tired of feeling pain. I’m tired of this uncontrollable anxiety and the random attacks that come with it. I hate feeling lost, like I don’t know who I am anymore.
Sometimes life gets the best of you. Circumstances or things that happen shake you at your very core. Sometimes these things cause you to question everything you know.
Yes, I am questioning God. No, I don’t know what the answers are. Here is what I do know:
- If God is as good and as kind as He says He is, then He will be patient with me on this journey.
- Questioning = conversation. I’m quite sure God likes conversation with us no matter what the conversation consists of. Also, I don’t think He’s afraid of or offended by our questions.
- Whatever the answers are, I WILL be a better person. A better wife. A better mother. A better friend.